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[Saturday
September 22nd, 2007
7:46am] |
again.............
ughhh its 7:34in the am and why am i up? u ask. well i am up bc i cant freaking sleep AGAIN! i couldnt sleep last night so i had to deal with like 6hs of sleep during the day that wasnt very peaceful and then tonight i dont sleep even though im so tired.... i was doing soo good last year i stopped having sleeping problems and i was going to bed and waking up at decent hours and now im back to where i started......i feel like cussing like a sailor and throwing things. i know that wont solve anything but boy would it feel good. i feel like its night schoool all over again. im not sleeping at night, im sleeping during the day when i should be getting things done. then when i am awake i have no energy to do anything. i miss having a reason to wake up in the morning. today i am gonna be busy and yesterday was busy so as u can tell not sleeping at night is ruining the days that i actually get to be busy!!! my life sux some1 knock me out please?
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0 ♥♥♥
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| i dont wanna wait for you but thats all i seem to do |
[Friday
June 22nd, 2007
11:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 anxious |
] |
sooooo i was right it is gonna be just like old times where i dont hear from him till saturday night or i dont hear from him for awhile.........and i was also right i am going crazy. i cant stop thinking about saturday. i cant stop thinking about him kissing me. i cant stop thinking bout his sexi smile and how he pulled me closer and just kissed me all night long....................gah this really sux i feel like im a freshmen in high school all over again. why cant i grow up? i mean seriously i dont wanna be that girl that i was in high school ive gotten to the point with eric and ryan where i just dont care i know they are gonna hurt me but i just use them for sex or there company.......thats wrong and i dont wanna be like that but everytime i meet some1 knew and i just get those damn butterflies well i just become so juvenile. u know if i have sex with him he'll be my 7th guy to be with.........i have slep with 6 guys in 3 yrs........and i think they all happened in 2 yrs. yea im not proud of my past. im kinda over it. i just wanna move on and start being good but its so hard to just move on. i think im really done with eric and ryan but the thing is if i dont have sex in awhile i get really horny and dont care who i fuck and since id rather be with some1 ive been with before than some1 new i just idk i wish my options were better. i just wish i ddint get horny or at least had some control.....
i think i was really stupid about the whole chris thing........i shouldnt have let him come over but the thing is i thought if i met him everything i liked about him would go away, like i wouldnt be attracted to him and i could just move on from this crush i had on him. but now that ive met him,seen him, kissed him, been rubbed and gotten off by him dude i cant stop thinking about him and it just sux bc i dont think hes what i want and i dont think hes right for me and i dont think he feels the same about me. if he felt the same about me wouldnt he have gotten online, came by, called? something i mean honestly...........i guess i was just some girl he came over to make out with or something but doesnt he know the way to my heart is by a kiss and not by sex or flowers or anything. a kiss is more personal to me then sex..... also he didnt even bring me flowers or candy or take me out.......what if he did feel something for me but he thinks he can only come over at night and get what he wants and that be it. what if he thinks im a booty call girl? gosh i hate this. i wish i could talk to him and clarify everyhting thats running through my mind right now...........i know im prolly reading to much into this. maybe hes just busy or maybe hes married or has some other chic and just was using me. what if hes exactly what i think he is. im wasting my time sitting here thinking bout him.. i need to move on and just say hey thursday night was a loss, friday night i got off, saturday night my crush got moved up to more than just a crush i got off but nonetheless it was all a loss................
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0 ♥♥♥
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| and not to mention the tears ive shed |
[Thursday
March 8th, 2007
9:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 depressed |
] |
wow so a lot has happened since my last journal entry.
sheila and i never got that apartment
the money that was meant for the apartment went for my car. i have an oldsmobile cutlass supreme its adorable i love it.
i never got a job
shiela got kicked out of the shelter and moved back to state park, she tried working it out with joe and i have been totally busy wtih school that i purposely excluded her from my life at times.
my ex boyfriend ryan and i tried working it out a bit.i got fucked over again.
i blocked chad from yahoo i got tired of him and his lies.
my 18th birthday was in november and it was amazing.
christmas sucked presents wise but i got to be with my family so that was great
i was in a christmas play and concert and i rocked!!!
i dyed my hair brown it turned out amazing and some of my blonde highlights came through
the last time i got drunk was the friday before new years when i partied with michael and his 2 guy friends and shiela
new years eve was amazing
a week later in january i found out that i have endometriosis
i started this birth control that i had to put inside of me and it was supposed to make my period stop but it didnt.
i have been on my period for the past month and im in a ton of pain.
i got my senior pics done and they came out really good i just wish i could have gotten more
2mos after being on the birth control i saw my dr yesterday and he wants me to go on a shot that makes me gain weight or a shot that puts me into early menopause or i can just have surgery and get everything removed and never have to worry about this again and never have the chance of having kids..........
im scared.
i want kids of my own in teh future
i dont feel like im mentally or spiritually capable of making this decision.
ive been going to church occasionaly since i started cca.
im a lot better than i used to be.
i havent cut myself since august im really proud of myself but sometimes when im sad and depressed i really wanna get out my razor and slit my wrist........i wanna react to whatever im going through i miss drinking but everytime i think about cutting myself or drinking or whatever i think about how i was never happy even then and i need something more than this...........
this year hasnt been the way that i planned but then nothing ever is. i mean i never really thought id get saved and be as close to God as i am now and with everything going on im afraid im gonna lose HIM. sheila and i havent been talking lately i always find a good excuse to not talk to her....its sad i know but im tired of her drama and im tired of the old me i need to change that and depart myself from all that.ive been making a lot of friends at church and im trying to just stay as busy as i can so that i can move on with my life and not stay caught up in everything thats going on. i have to keep busy or else i drown myself in depression and i dont need that...........anyways im gonna go i need to go to sleep and stop thinking about things. i just wish i knew what to do about the endometriosis. i dont wnana go on either shots and i dont want the surgery..............i cant deal with this and i feel so alone. i cant make this decision i just cant.............................i know i need to be a big girl now and big girls dont cry..............
oh and i have been doing really good about the whole mark situation i mean i found him on myspace and hes not married hes in iraq and hes still alive but hes not married damn chad i knew he was lying i just cnat believe i believed him. i mean it was all lies. god i hate mark. i hate everything about hima nd last night i had a dream about him. i dreamt i was at a place ordering food and then i left and went to this place and i was in a plain simple room and i was staring at the wal when the fone rang i missed the call bc i was trying to figure out whos number it was and so i missed it and called the number back and the second i heard him say hello i knew it was mark and he started saying all this stuff how he wanted me back and he was sry and i went off on him, i told him he couldnt do this too me i was really aggressive and assertive telling him that i was happy and things were going good and i was finally over him and then i broke down and cried telling him how he had hurt me and he killed me and then i hung up on him and was contemplating wether or not to call him back and say that even though he hurt me i forgave him and yea that was the end of the dream................ i hate dreams and i hate everything thats going on now...........
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0 ♥♥♥
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| no1 can but im fine without it |
[Sunday
June 25th, 2006
5:26am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
crappy |
] |
luvme4me882007 (4:43:04 AM): er...what were u gonna say
luvme4me882007 (4:43:06 AM): ?
luvme4me882007 (4:45:41 AM): u take forever to reply to some1
luvme4me882007 (4:45:48 AM): did u know that?
luvme4me882007 (4:46:17 AM): well if u did i thought id say so anyways bc it does take u forever its like every 5-6 min responses lol
Aintnogenius82 (4:47:14 AM): sorry..had to pee
luvme4me882007 (4:47:31 AM): its called an away message hun
luvme4me882007 (4:47:33 AM): lol
Aintnogenius82 (4:47:45 AM): sorry
luvme4me882007 (4:47:51 AM): its ok
luvme4me882007 (4:48:13 AM): im getting bitchy now that i have to be quiet and my buzz is wearing off
Aintnogenius82 (4:48:49 AM): that sucks
luvme4me882007 (4:49:09 AM): especially for u lol
Aintnogenius82 (4:49:21 AM): I've noticed
luvme4me882007 (4:49:46 AM): hmm whats that supposed to mean?
Aintnogenius82 (4:50:09 AM): nothing
luvme4me882007 (4:50:21 AM): thats what i thought
Aintnogenius82 (4:50:36 AM):
luvme4me882007 (4:51:49 AM): u know i hardly know anything about u
luvme4me882007 (4:52:18 AM): its weird i always open upto u but u never open upto me surely ur life cant be that dull
Aintnogenius82 (4:52:36 AM): wanna make a bet..lol
luvme4me882007 (4:53:15 AM): not really
luvme4me882007 (4:53:22 AM): personally i think ur hiding something
Aintnogenius82 (4:53:36 AM): nope..not at all
luvme4me882007 (4:53:49 AM): how old are u again 23?
Aintnogenius82 (4:53:52 AM): 25
luvme4me882007 (4:54:14 AM): oh right
luvme4me882007 (4:54:24 AM): hmm a bit too old to be playing games arent u?
Aintnogenius82 (4:54:38 AM): who's playing games
luvme4me882007 (4:54:42 AM): what/
luvme4me882007 (4:54:56 AM): whos playing games?what games?
Aintnogenius82 (4:55:05 AM): exactly
luvme4me882007 (4:55:16 AM): 00o0o i see u were talking to my cousin
luvme4me882007 (4:55:32 AM): lol what were u guys talking about she deleted the convo
Aintnogenius82 (4:55:55 AM): I was?
luvme4me882007 (4:56:10 AM): yea she didnt tell u
Aintnogenius82 (4:56:14 AM): nope
luvme4me882007 (4:56:35 AM): well i had to pee real fast and i told her to not talk to u to just say that iwould brb and yea she left now
Aintnogenius82 (4:56:50 AM): oh ok...well she didn't tell me
luvme4me882007 (4:56:54 AM): hmm what were u guys talking about?
luvme4me882007 (4:57:05 AM): oh that bitch i'll get her back
Aintnogenius82 (4:57:16 AM): what was the last thing u said before u left
luvme4me882007 (4:57:46 AM): umm not really
Aintnogenius82 (4:58:21 AM): luvme4me882007 (4:55:19 AM): personally i think ur hiding something
Aintnogenius82 (4:55:32 AM): nope..not at all
luvme4me882007 (4:55:46 AM): how old are u again 23?
Aintnogenius82 (4:55:49 AM): 25
luvme4me882007 (4:56:11 AM): oh right
luvme4me882007 (4:56:21 AM): hmm a bit too old to be playing games arent u?
Aintnogenius82 (4:56:34 AM): who's playing games
luvme4me882007 (4:56:39 AM): what/
luvme4me882007 (4:56:53 AM): whos playing games?what games?
Aintnogenius82 (4:57:01 AM): exactly
luvme4me882007 (4:58:43 AM): lol what a geek
Aintnogenius82 (4:58:47 AM): lol
luvme4me882007 (4:58:59 AM): well shes right u are a bit too old to play games
luvme4me882007 (4:59:06 AM): lol
Aintnogenius82 (4:59:11 AM): LOL..ok
luvme4me882007 (4:59:20 AM): so is that it?
Aintnogenius82 (4:59:26 AM): nope
luvme4me882007 (4:59:35 AM): what else is there?
Aintnogenius82 (4:59:45 AM): I just live a very dull life
luvme4me882007 (5:00:29 AM): how can any1 live a dull life i mean honestly i mean come on life is never dull
Aintnogenius82 (5:00:36 AM): mine is
luvme4me882007 (5:00:50 AM): ever been in love?
Aintnogenius82 (5:01:07 AM): a couple times
luvme4me882007 (5:01:49 AM): a couple times? hm i always heard u only get 1 or 2 great loves in ur lifetime and all the other ones werent real or they could never compare to the one true love. or some bullshit like that
Aintnogenius82 (5:02:12 AM): really
luvme4me882007 (5:02:17 AM): yep
luvme4me882007 (5:02:22 AM): i have to agree with it
Aintnogenius82 (5:02:37 AM): maybe
luvme4me882007 (5:03:00 AM): u have ur first love the one that lasts forever despite all ur great attempts to forget and then u have ur last and greatest love of all the one that u only lose if they die or u die
Aintnogenius82 (5:03:21 AM): never thought of it that way
luvme4me882007 (5:03:40 AM): i have and i have to agree wtih myself and whoever said it lol
luvme4me882007 (5:04:07 AM): soo since u have been inlove and out of love that my friend doesnt make for a dull time. so there have been times when ur life werent dull.
Aintnogenius82 (5:04:20 AM): ya but it was a long time ago
luvme4me882007 (5:04:51 AM): but if it was love than it still lasts
luvme4me882007 (5:04:56 AM): no matter how long ago it was
Aintnogenius82 (5:05:14 AM): I suppose
luvme4me882007 (5:05:55 AM): yep yep
Aintnogenius82 (5:06:14 AM):
luvme4me882007 (5:06:41 AM): and if u have friends then there is never a dull moment with them bc with having friends come the drama lol if they have drama u tend to have drama soo its not dull
Aintnogenius82 (5:07:13 AM): maybe I have dull friends...lol
luvme4me882007 (5:07:35 AM): ur not helping me here
Aintnogenius82 (5:07:38 AM): lol
luvme4me882007 (5:07:40 AM): im trying to get to know u
luvme4me882007 (5:08:08 AM): which u have lacked to help me with since we have met and tis really getting old bc it makes me feel like ur hiding something.
luvme4me882007 (5:08:14 AM): its*
Aintnogenius82 (5:08:22 AM): you're thinking too much
luvme4me882007 (5:08:50 AM): how am i thinking to much?
Aintnogenius82 (5:09:01 AM): cause u think since I don't open up I'm hiding something
luvme4me882007 (5:09:19 AM): well i have to think something
luvme4me882007 (5:09:32 AM): or hmm maybe ur just not into me and im wasting my time
Aintnogenius82 (5:09:32 AM): not necessarily
luvme4me882007 (5:09:42 AM): then thats why ur not opening up
luvme4me882007 (5:09:46 AM): yes necessarily
Aintnogenius82 (5:10:00 AM): no...you're reading too far into it and coming up with your own conclusions
luvme4me882007 (5:10:30 AM): well then what am i to conclude to?
Aintnogenius82 (5:10:53 AM): maybe I just don't open up
luvme4me882007 (5:11:16 AM): u dont?
Aintnogenius82 (5:11:33 AM): takes me a long time to
luvme4me882007 (5:12:26 AM): oic
Aintnogenius82 (5:12:43 AM): it's the way I have always been
luvme4me882007 (5:13:13 AM): ic
luvme4me882007 (5:14:21 AM): is that also why we have never met?
Aintnogenius82 (5:17:26 AM): I wouldn't say that
luvme4me882007 (5:17:38 AM): what would u say then/
luvme4me882007 (5:17:40 AM): ?*
luvme4me882007 (5:17:44 AM): be honest i wanna know
Aintnogenius82 (5:19:13 AM): it has to do with some of the things you say like you cut your wrists and shit...just makes me think that the last thing u need is me...maybe I'm wrong
luvme4me882007 (5:19:52 AM): what do u mean the last thing i need is u?
Aintnogenius82 (5:20:14 AM): that the time I have to give isn't enough
luvme4me882007 (5:20:31 AM): what do u mean the time?
Aintnogenius82 (5:22:06 AM): time...free time
luvme4me882007 (5:24:27 AM): i only cut my wrists bc sometimes im just not strong.and i havent been cutting alot and for that im proud of myself, i know i shouldnt do it but im just not strong i cant deal with the things i think about i cant deal with the memories. and if all u had to give me was a lil free time then hey i wouldnt ask for much and im sry u feel that way about me
Aintnogenius82 (5:25:20 AM): I just think u need someone who's is capable of giving u their undivided attention, and right now I can't
luvme4me882007 (5:25:53 AM): no1 can
luvme4me882007 (5:25:59 AM): and i have been fine without it
why does it hurt so much????????
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0 ♥♥♥
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[Sunday
May 28th, 2006
10:38pm] |
i hate you
i hate your dumb yard sales
i hate your store
i hate your husband
i hate how u think everything is about you
i hate how u never pay attention to me
i hate how u dont understand me
i hate how ur never home
i hate how u dont cook
i hate how u dont clean the house
i hate how ur always working
i hate the fact that u always want me to watch josh
i hate how u never really try
i hate how u lie
i hate you
i hate you so fucking much it brings tears to my eyes
i dont know why u do this to me. cant you see its tearing me up. i dont know why i care. im just so bored.idk what to do. ur the only it feels right to blame.
ugh im sucha baby why am i acting like this? why am i crying all the time? i hate when shes home and i hate when shes not home gahhh.this fucking sux.
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0 ♥♥♥
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[Thursday
May 25th, 2006
1:32am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 apathetic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
L.O.V.E-ashlee |
] |
so after me and mark broke up. troy was there to comfort me. and soon we started to date but the whole thing with him wanting to be with jess happened. and like i told him off and he never said anything he never called later to say sry or anything and so i havent talked to him for like 2mos so yesterday or the day before i dont really remember. but i got this text from some chicago number and so i thought it was my old friend that always texts me but it wasnt so i was like omgz it could be mark using a cell or maybe troy. and so i was like freaking so i texted the person back and it turns out it was some guy i talked to ages ago and so even though it wasnt troy or mark i just got this feeling something soon was gonna happen and bring some1 from my past and well sure enough troy called me earlier and i didnt know bc i dindt have my fone on me so i checked my voicemail. listened to the message he left me and so i waited a bit thinking if i should call him or not so i figured it was getting late and i should call him so i did and it turns out he called me tonight to say sry and his whole reason for not calling me was bc he couldnt and i was like um email? duh! god it pissed me off so bad so anyways i was like u know what u knew what i was going through and yet u still hurt me. and so i told him off and we said goodbye and that was it. i cant even believe he dared call me after everything.
we used to be the best of friends and well i knew we shouldnt get together but i figured he might have been different but it turns out he wasnt and i figured he would at least have had enough balls to say sry but nope hes like i had a rude awakening today and i knew i should call u and im like hahah yea took u long enough i was so mad at him i started to laugh lol and then i said that i should change his name to mark and yea that pissed him off so that made me feel better if he was really sry he would have apologized later but i dont care anymore its in the past. anyways so hes like well i called u and some other ppl to say im sry and what u do with it is up to u and im like well i dont forgive u and hes like thats fine and he like started to get an attitude with me. i think it was bc i called him Mark lol.
anyways so im like cool right now. lol i fucking hate men. they are just all alike and i want them to all grow the fuck up or something.GRRR.... so yea idk how im feeling right now. lately i have been trying to figure out what im feeling and why im feeling this way but i cant put my finger on it.....tomoro is my last day of school and then friday morning i have a court date and yea tonight i went out to eat with my family and my uncle was talking about my car and it turns out the guy that my mom gave MY car to fixed it up and is going to sell it. i knew he would! omgz im so pissed off i dont want some1 else to own MY TAI TAI!!! ugh oh please Lord help me get MY car back!!!!!!!!!
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0 ♥♥♥
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| im crazy and wild what can i say? |
[Sunday
May 14th, 2006
4:07am] |
sooo today has been rather eventful if i do say so myself! hehe
um so this morning i woke up at like 1ish and i watched josh a bit and then my stepdad came and got him and then i got online and me and megan wanted to get the boys and go out so i took a shower and then megan picked me up and we went and got ron and we went to el rancheritos.dave was already there so we sat down and ate and omgz such good food lol. ron and megan talked to eachother alot and i kept chiming in but poor dave. idk he jsut wasnt talking alot so anyways we started to make plans to go somewhere else and dave was like well im gonna go home and i felt bad he wouldnt talk to me so yea he left and we left and went to rons house and we chilled there a bit and that was fun we played truth or dare that was an experience lol megan dared ron to kiss me and so he kissed me on the cheek and i gotta say it was kinda niec lol anyways then his brothers and jimmy came down and we talked to them a bit and then ron wanted to go to walmart but megan was just all of a sudden ready to go home. so she dropped me off and i messed around online a bit and then ron called me and was like can u come out again and im like wtf? and hes like yea megan came back and she wants to hang out and so im like ok so i snuck out and we went to steak n'shake and got some yummi shakes. and then we went back to rons house and on the way there megan dared him to moon every1 so he stuck his ass out of the window and mooned every1 haha it was funny so then we got there and started drinking. hehe and then we played truth or dare again and ron dared me to drink the rest of the smirnoff raspberry which was really really strong and so i finished that off and i had to chug it so yea man was it strong haha yea so then megan dared me to cup and slap rons ass and then there was a bunch of dares going around i dared megan to kiss rons poster of the supermodel on the boob that was funny then ron dared me to pee outside his house so i did and then megan dared ron to cup my breasts 2 times so he did haha it was funny and then yea we just had a ton of fun and we all got so drunk haha. i was like all tipsy and saying weird stuff and then megan was just all over the place haha so then she needed to leave to go home so she dropped me off and i stumbled back into my house which surprisingly no1 new i had left. so i got onlinea bit and started talkng to ron,meg and chris and then i heard a knock on the door and so i got up to check it and no1 was there so i was like hmm ok so i sat back down smoked a cigar and drank some bacardi watermelon that i had from when sheila and i went drinking.so i drank some and smoked and then daniel this guy that i talked to last weekend came on and i talked ot him a bit and i guess i was being a bit clingy lol idk so he didnt like that and then aj this other guy that has been trying to get with me got on and said he had some sex and im like um whatever i was so mad at him we were supposed to be going out next week and he was with some toher chick? hmm idk i shouldnt be mad. so anyways the whole time i had been talking to chris i was just really honest wtih him which kinda scares me but i was sooo drunk so yea.
luvme4me882007 (1:24:11 AM): heyyy
Aintnogenius82 (1:25:00 AM): hey sexy
luvme4me882007 (1:25:05 AM): hi baby boy
luvme4me882007 (1:25:09 AM): how are uuuuuuuu????????
Aintnogenius82 (1:25:24 AM): i'm ok...how r u
luvme4me882007 (1:25:37 AM): heheheh
luvme4me882007 (1:25:41 AM): im greatttttt
Aintnogenius82 (1:25:47 AM): why r u so great...lol
luvme4me882007 (1:25:51 AM): i want u to come over and fuck my brains out
luvme4me882007 (1:25:52 AM): now!
Aintnogenius82 (1:26:01 AM): excuse me??
luvme4me882007 (1:26:04 AM): cant a girl be great?
luvme4me882007 (1:26:08 AM): oh hunni bun u heard me
luvme4me882007 (1:26:11 AM): or can u not read
Aintnogenius82 (1:26:48 AM): oh I can read just fine...lol
luvme4me882007 (1:27:13 AM): i love you and about what i said earlier i was right butttt i want us to work. i want u and me to have sex all the time. i want u to hold me. i want u to love me. i want u to kiss me on my forehead and tell me everythings ok when everything really isnt, i want u to hold my hand. i want u!!!!!!!!
luvme4me882007 (1:27:19 AM): haha well good im glad u can read
luvme4me882007 (1:27:24 AM): now come over
luvme4me882007 (1:27:33 AM): i'll sneak out again just for u
Aintnogenius82 (1:27:39 AM): again?
luvme4me882007 (1:27:56 AM): yeahhh
luvme4me882007 (1:27:58 AM): so come on over
luvme4me882007 (1:28:06 AM): i want to show u a good time
luvme4me882007 (1:28:12 AM): i have a condom we can use it
Aintnogenius82 (1:28:27 AM): well I can't right now...I'm blocked in the driveway
luvme4me882007 (1:28:36 AM): take ur roommates car
luvme4me882007 (1:28:41 AM): come on
luvme4me882007 (1:28:43 AM): be um
luvme4me882007 (1:28:47 AM): spontaneous
luvme4me882007 (1:28:52 AM): and um adventurous
Aintnogenius82 (1:29:20 AM): trust me...I wanna be...but I know he won't let me...this is the roommate that's kind of an ass
luvme4me882007 (1:29:35 AM): no u dont wanna be
luvme4me882007 (1:29:38 AM): u dont wanna be with me
luvme4me882007 (1:29:45 AM): u dont want anything that has to do with me
luvme4me882007 (1:29:48 AM): u just like to lead me on
luvme4me882007 (1:30:04 AM): silly boy games are for kids
Aintnogenius82 (1:30:09 AM): no i'm not...I'd want nothign more than to have a "great" night with you...trust me
luvme4me882007 (1:30:12 AM): games are so old im tired of games
luvme4me882007 (1:30:24 AM): my ex played nothing but games on me
luvme4me882007 (1:30:28 AM): i cant do it anymore i jsut cant
Aintnogenius82 (1:30:43 AM): i'm not playing games with you. I promise
luvme4me882007 (1:30:51 AM): yea he promised too
luvme4me882007 (1:30:53 AM): dont promise me
luvme4me882007 (1:30:55 AM): i hate promises
Aintnogenius82 (1:31:04 AM): ok...I don't promise then
luvme4me882007 (1:31:05 AM): promises belong in hell with my ex
luvme4me882007 (1:31:25 AM): gahhh dumb men
luvme4me882007 (1:31:31 AM): im becoming lesbian
Aintnogenius82 (1:31:47 AM): we aren't all dumb and if you do become a lesbian, can I watch...lol
luvme4me882007 (1:31:48 AM): ahahahhahhhhh thats funni nvm
luvme4me882007 (1:31:56 AM): um no u perv
Aintnogenius82 (1:32:01 AM):
luvme4me882007 (1:32:13 AM): yea u would come over and watch me being with some1 else but if it was u god forbid u actually come over to be with me
luvme4me882007 (1:32:24 AM): u and ur excuses for the past 3mos hmmhmm im onto u buddy
Aintnogenius82 (1:32:36 AM): hey come on...be nice
luvme4me882007 (1:32:46 AM): i am nice. im always nice
luvme4me882007 (1:32:51 AM): but does being nice get me anywhere
luvme4me882007 (1:32:56 AM): HELL NO IT DOESNT
Aintnogenius82 (1:33:03 AM):
luvme4me882007 (1:33:23 AM): right now im drunk and its all clear to me. im righting this in my diary. tonight i said some things but they were the truth god forbid me actually be nice to some1 and hide the truth
Aintnogenius82 (1:33:39 AM): you're drunk huh
luvme4me882007 (1:33:46 AM): yep
luvme4me882007 (1:33:48 AM): so come over
Aintnogenius82 (1:34:05 AM): if where was a way I could, you know i would
luvme4me882007 (1:34:12 AM): no u wouldnt
luvme4me882007 (1:34:18 AM): i know u
Aintnogenius82 (1:34:20 AM): ummm yes I would
luvme4me882007 (1:34:20 AM): u wouldnt
Aintnogenius82 (1:34:32 AM): yes]
luvme4me882007 (1:34:35 AM): nope
luvme4me882007 (1:34:44 AM): uve had 3mos of chances and not once have u taken them
luvme4me882007 (1:35:03 AM): u say ur different from other guys but just bc ur not over here the first mention of sex doesnt mean u arent
luvme4me882007 (1:35:35 AM): hmm in my head that made sence but right now i dont think it did
Aintnogenius82 (1:35:39 AM): if I was like all the rest then as soon as u mentioned sex, I would be there. so that should mean something
luvme4me882007 (1:36:20 AM): well some guys just like to play games and string along already broken girls
luvme4me882007 (1:36:28 AM): thats me im broken
Aintnogenius82 (1:36:57 AM): you're not broken
luvme4me882007 (1:37:00 AM): yes i am
luvme4me882007 (1:37:03 AM): he broke me
luvme4me882007 (1:37:04 AM): tore me up
Aintnogenius82 (1:37:13 AM): you're not humpty dumpty
luvme4me882007 (1:37:14 AM): chewed me up spat me out
luvme4me882007 (1:37:26 AM): no i was humpty nicole
Aintnogenius82 (1:37:29 AM): lol
luvme4me882007 (1:37:34 AM): and instead of sitting on a wall i fell in love
luvme4me882007 (1:37:38 AM): damn love
luvme4me882007 (1:37:45 AM): well im glad u find it funni
luvme4me882007 (1:37:49 AM): bc it isnt
luvme4me882007 (1:37:50 AM): so hahahahaa
Aintnogenius82 (1:37:50 AM): ya...love can do that to you
luvme4me882007 (1:38:33 AM): oh damnit
Aintnogenius82 (1:38:33 AM):
luvme4me882007 (1:38:44 AM): whats that for?
Aintnogenius82 (1:38:50 AM): sorry for laughing
luvme4me882007 (1:38:55 AM): u should be
luvme4me882007 (1:38:58 AM): now im crying
luvme4me882007 (1:39:22 AM): heh im usually a happy drunk what the hell?
luvme4me882007 (1:39:37 AM): i need sex
Aintnogenius82 (1:39:41 AM): don't we all
luvme4me882007 (1:43:34 AM): take ur other roommates car
luvme4me882007 (1:45:15 AM): !!!!!!!!!!!!
Aintnogenius82 (1:45:43 AM): he won't let me
Aintnogenius82 (1:46:07 AM): and it's not his car blocking me in...it's my other roommate and he isn't here
luvme4me882007 (1:46:09 AM): what the hell u take his and he can have urs
luvme4me882007 (1:46:32 AM): well if its ur other roommates car then his car wouldnt be there
luvme4me882007 (1:46:32 AM): haha
Aintnogenius82 (1:47:14 AM): he left with friends
Aintnogenius82 (1:47:24 AM): he didn't drive
luvme4me882007 (1:47:27 AM): oh
Aintnogenius82 (1:47:59 AM): he was supposed to leave his keys but I don't think he did...I looked everywhere for them
luvme4me882007 (1:48:16 AM): hmmhmmm
Aintnogenius82 (1:49:02 AM):
luvme4me882007 (1:49:28 AM): god i hate men they always come up with the greatest excuses i wish i had half the umm whats it called mentality to come up wiht lies at the drop of the hat? hmm idk megan im drunk
luvme4me882007 (1:49:30 AM): hahahahahahahhahhahh
Aintnogenius82 (1:54:39 AM): are you talking to megan now?
Auto response from Aintnogenius82 (1:54:39 AM): im drunk and i had to peee!!!
luvme4me882007 (1:56:23 AM): yea im always talking to meagan
Aintnogenius82 (1:56:41 AM): ya I saw that...lol
luvme4me882007 (1:56:50 AM): what do u mean?
luvme4me882007 (1:56:54 AM): did i do it again?
luvme4me882007 (1:56:59 AM): ahhhhhhhh dogamnait
luvme4me882007 (1:57:00 AM): haha
luvme4me882007 (1:57:03 AM): myyy babd
Aintnogenius82 (1:57:14 AM): it's ok goddamnit jhaha idk
luvme4me882007 (1:58:30 AM): hmm that sux
luvme4me882007 (1:58:38 AM): haha damn box
Aintnogenius82 (1:58:51 AM): no big deal
luvme4me882007 (1:59:08 AM): so whatcha doing tomoro? hangin out with ur wife and 3 kids and ur mom!
lol i was just so mean to him.
anyways so as i was talkng to them i heard/saw some1 at my door and igot up and turns out it was eric he called me earlier today asking to come over and i was like yea well megan called ot hang out so i was like ok fuck him im going with her lol bc i dindt think he would come so anyways i grabbed my sweater and i left with him and we walked down my street a bit and then we got in his car and drove around and then we went to the park and walked down by the lake and had sex. it was like 5min nothing special i dont even think i came so anyways yea.i camehome and chris asked me where i was and i told him and he got sad and yea idk i really wish it would have been him............
luvme4me882007 (4:03:54 AM): are u mad at me?
Aintnogenius82 (4:07:56 AM): no...u did what u had to do
luvme4me882007 (4:08:07 AM): i dont like the way u put that
Aintnogenius82 (4:08:18 AM): you know what I mean
luvme4me882007 (4:08:28 AM): yea i know but it.....it sounds whorish
Aintnogenius82 (4:08:50 AM): no...that's not how I intended it
luvme4me882007 (4:10:15 AM): i know but for the past 3mos i have been trying to get myhead on straight and trying to quit letting my sexual needs get the better of me.
Aintnogenius82 (4:10:33 AM): sometimes you just can't help it...I've been there...trust me
luvme4me882007 (4:10:54 AM): i just want one person and every chance i have gotten has been shot to hell and now its like im resorting to calling up an old fuck buddy
luvme4me882007 (4:11:02 AM): i hate doing that
luvme4me882007 (4:11:31 AM): it drives me insane. ive never been with just one man bc every man ive ever wanted hasnt wanted me or whatever
Aintnogenius82 (4:12:49 AM): u just haven't found the right one yet
luvme4me882007 (4:13:15 AM): yea i dont think i ever will
Aintnogenius82 (4:13:30 AM): yes u will
luvme4me882007 (4:14:26 AM): nope but its ok i think it might be better this way
hmm idk
|
0 ♥♥♥
|
| everyday i pretend im ok |
[Sunday
May 7th, 2006
10:11am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
depressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
what hurts the most-rascall flatts |
] |
why does every1 hurt me? why cant i ever just be happy? everything i want is just so far from me and all my dreams keep running away from me. im so tired i havent slept. i cant sleep. my mind is goin a mile a minute and tears just keep flowing down my cheeks. im so upset. last november when me and my mom were going through our lil ordeal i asked my aunt if i could live with her and her and my uncle said it was fine so i stayed there for like 2 days and then one day when i figured it would be best to move in they said my dog couldnt come. if i moved out rosie wouldnt have been able to live with. if i moved out my mom would have gotten rid of her. i couldnt deal with that. i couldnt liev without my dog so i told them thanks but no thanks.and i never moved in. now its mos and mos later and my aunt asked my brother to come to six flags well my mom said i could go as well and so i got ready and i got all excited and i even turned down talking to chris to get ready. so anyways i was all ready and i went outside to wait on my aunt and my mom was on the fone with my aunt and she wanted to talk to me so my aunt was like ur uncle doesnt want u to go with us this time and im like why what did i do? and shes like hes still mad at u for not moving in with us. and im like i said i was sry and shes like yea i know so i was like ok whatever.i couldnt live without my dog. do u think i wanted to live here and be in pain? i mean honestly it makes no sence why is he still mad at me? its like he had to do anything major i mean its not like we moved all my stuff there and he made life changing decisions i mean come on. i was just so hurt that he didnt want me to go and that all this time he had been mad at me? i didnt know. im just so upset and i hate it. i hate feeling like this i wanna feel happy and free and alive but i dont. i can feel and hear my heart beating but yet i still dont see how it is anymore.im so tired but im talking to chris and not even he can help me get my mind off things.............
|
0 ♥♥♥
|
| nothings ever what it seems |
[Tuesday
May 2nd, 2006
10:36pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
crappy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
bad day-daniel powter |
] |
so i went to the drs today and he did a full examination. i undressed and he felt my boobs and my stomache and did a pap smear which really hurt and then he put a lot of pressure on my stomache and omgz i was just in a lot of pain.i told him everything that was going on and hes like well if u took the 4 prego tests and they came back negative im sure ur ok so yea anyways he said that it might be a cyst. after he examined me he told me to get dressed and to go get some blood drawn to check my thyroid and something else to see whats going on and then he wanted me to come back for an ultra sound. so i got some blood drawn and i made another appointment.
why is everything so messed up? i know it sounds really crazy but for the past couple of years i have been worried that i wouldnt be able to have kids and when i had my surgery last december and i got my fallopian tube taken out and the whole time i was just depressed bc with only one fallopian tube it makes it harder to have kids. and now with another cyst i may have to have something else removed....i know i could get insemenated but still....idk im really sad. i wanted a baby .........im so stupid i know but i feel like all my friends are moving on and i should too. but still im too young a baby would have only complicated things. i cant have a baby now i have too much going on. i need a job a car and a place to live if i had a baby then i wouldnt be able to take care of it. plus it would be jasons baby and i dont want it to be his. i dont want nothing to do with him. gah i hate this. all this pain and i dont get a baby out of it lol. i need help. anyways im out
|
0 ♥♥♥
|
| i'll lie to u and to myself if i have too |
[Tuesday
May 2nd, 2006
4:48am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
crappy |
] |
sooo in a couple of hrs i find out the truth about whats really going on. finally i get to see the damn dr. oh lord please help them tell me whats wrong wtih me. i think i could have an ulcer but i still really think im pregnant idk the feeling wont go away.. idk oh lord help me.
IM NOT PREGNANT IM NOT PREGNANT IM NOT PREGNANT IM NOT PREGNANT hmm maybe if i say it long enough it will go away and i can be normal lol.
|
0 ♥♥♥
|
| i have no where to go im past the point of no return |
[Tuesday
April 25th, 2006
6:21am] |
|
im still not feeling good.i started my period on saturday and its been really light. 0o0o what is wrong with me?danny my friend who im kind of dating is worried about me and he talked to his friend that is a nurse and she seems to think that i had a miscarriage. but idk i hope not. oh god plz dont let that be the case. anyways so last night around 4am i was feeling ok and nothing really bad and all of a sudden i just got so exhausted,dizzy, and nauseus i have no idea what happened but omgz it was horrible and it wouldnt go away for nothing. so all day yesterday i stayed up bc i was worried. im so worried about me. if i am pregnant then its been 3 mos and not seeing a dr in 3 mos while pregnant is so wrong and i could hurt the baby or hurt myself...idk what to do.so yesterday i aws gonna go see a dr but idk i didnt so yea i stayed up all night and day yesterday and i fell asleep around 4:30 i didnt go to school or out with megan and ron like they had asked and idk i dnt know myself anymore.idk what to do anymore. im so lost.anyways i kept waking up thinking about the baby and that im pregant..its so weird idk why but yea i felt my stomache and its so hard and i felt my belly button its starting to poke out more..just another reason for me to believe i am..hm idk some1 find me.anyways josh just woke up so im gonna go.
|
0 ♥♥♥
|
| i miss you. miss you so bad. i dont forget u.oh its so sad. |
[Wednesday
October 26th, 2005
3:14am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
love makes the world go round-ashlee simpson |
] |
everythings is going so wonderfully wrong.........
i sent a letter to mark and this is what it said....
so i guess i should tell you and just get this off my chest. dont worry its nothing that bad just idk and i hope u dont get hurt. bc for some reason even though i am the one thats hurt i dont want you to get hurt. anyways your prolly thinking omgz what is it now? well for the past month i havent talked to you. i understand your busy and maybe money is a problem for you but this is so much more than that. i have tried to be everything to you. i have tried to wait patiently for you and i have tried my best to just understand. ...... ok what im trying to get at. is this isnt working out. i feel like im suffocating you and that im trying to hard. maybe i am. maybe i just really want this to work, maybe i just lost my way and just cant seem to let you go.
last year after everything we had been through i was starting to be ok. i was starting to breathe on my own. i started to actually smile and feel the wind on my face and be ok. i didnt match our love life with every love song that came on the radio and i was starting not to cry whenever i thought of you. anyways you came back in my life and i knew that this time it was gonna be different, i had hoped we'd be together forever. i prayed that u would love me as much as i love you. i prayed that we could make this work and it wouldnt be a job to us. when we got back together i had such high hopes for us. yes i knew that maybe this time it wouldnt work out but i was ok with that. loving you and just talking to u was all i wanted and being happy even knowing that it might not last was good enuff for me.i didnt wanna think about all the what ifs. i didnt wanna think about losing you again. bc i knew if i were to lose you id die all over again. i love you so very much that just hearing your voice and not being able to see you was good enough for me. then after 2 weeks of being together you disappeared and just we didnt talk so i was like whatever then we started talking again and we talked off and on and then the whole "i might be going to jail" thing happened and i was so depressed. i didnt believe you. i thought you were making up lies again and well i pulled away from you. then we got back together and i was certain things would be so much better. and then ur fone got turned off and it was like goddamnit when will things ever just be normal with us? when will i see him? when will i be able to talk to him again? is this a sign that maybe we arent meant to be. i didnt know i didnt know anything all i knew was that i love you and i needed you. my mind was going crazy and then when we started talking on yahoo again i was like yay! things are gonna be ok and then we just stopped talking and now im back to where i was in the beginning.
look i dont know what the future holds. if we are meant to be together or what i really dont know anything at this point. all i know is that i cant talk to you and then not talk to u every 2 weeks or something.......this is so hard for me. i cant breathe and i hate this. sometimes i hate you so much i could just break up you and never regret it. other times i feel like i need you to survive and if being miserable meant being connected with you then thats what i want. that makes no sense but god its how i feel and idk how you feel. i have a glimpse of how u feel but how do i know your not just saying what i wanna hear? and if u are saying what i wanna hear then u really need some help on keeping a woman.as a boyfriend you really suck. sometimes i wish you would email me just to say hi. or call me just to say hi.i cant get you out of my head. i cant even get you out of my heart if i wanted to.this just isnt fair. all i want is just to be with you and love you and to feel your love. and what really isnt fair is that there is this guy thats after me and it feels like he cares more than you and ur my boyfriend not him......and every time i talk to him i wish it were you. everytime he says something sweet to me i wish it was you. ive never felt this way about any1 and its ashame that we dont know how to make this really work. u told me not to listen to my friends to just listen to my heart. i dont know how to do that. my head and my heart keep arguing one says to stay with you and just let things work itself out the other part of me keeps screaming that im in too much pain to just wait around for some1 whom im not even sure really cares..............ok i think ive told u enough and ur prolly wondering what the fuck is she talking about? if she wanted to just break up why doesnt she say so? well i dont wanna break up with you. i dont wanna lose you. i dont want my friend i want you. ur the air,the wind,the life around me your everything to me and all i want is just to be your everything. i know u wont say everything i have said to you back. i know u'll prolly just say that u love me and that i should stop going crazy over nothing. but sometimes its just good to hear that you love me.....sometimes its nice to be assured of the obvious. anyways when u get this. can u please just find a way to be there for me, to comfort me when i need you and just love me. because i cant keep going on like this knowing that maybe you dont care. maybe your with some1 else or maybe u just like to play with my emotions. idk everything i have said is all the truth and its just all been weighing on my heart. and i knew i needed to inform u of everything. ok well i think this is long enuff and just so you know that guy thats after me we are JUST friends nothing more.
neurotically yours,
Nicole Brito
anyways i sent that off sunday night and the strange thing was that i just sent it off and on monday he got online and got it.i think its so strange idk maybe im just going crazy maybe it was just a coincidence idk. anyways so he sent me an im on yahoo and said yea he better be just a friend and then hes like oh yea hey whats up. im sry i havent talked to u in along time i was in the fields and i just got back last night. my fone doesnt get turned on till nov1 and then i go home the monday b4 thanksgiving. anyways i miss you and i love you more than u could know i have to go now i'll get back on later.
i got that after i picked up josh and i jsut reread it like 20times and its like i wrote my whole heart out to him and thats all he could say? i felt happy and relieved but so sad at the same time.......idk
why is it. i can never get what i want? and then when i do get whatever i want i never want it anymore? why cant i just be fucking happy......ugh im so confused i dont know what to do and i feel like im runnin around on empty.....im in love and im heartbroken and i feel so dazed and confused.....i still havent really talked to mark and its really really getting to me and i keep getting all these signs that i should break up wtih him
first sign: his fone get turned off
second sign:we never talk
3rd sign: i realize that its gonna be awhile till i might see him
4th sign:ryan my ex wants to get back together and now hes in my life again and just yea idk
and finally......stephani introduced me to her friend Troy who lives in fucking chicago by her and well anyways me and him have been talking and just like ugh hes everything i could want, he says the right things and hes just so sweet, but of course he lives in chicago and im fucking in a relationship.......idk what to do. i love mark hes everything to me and i cant fathom not being with him but here comes this other great guy.
stephanie who is a fucking bitch decided that she wanted him for herself and so shes been telling him and ryan shit about me. but troy doesnt believe any of it bc he likes me and ryan well i cant tell anymore and i dont give a fuck. i hate him. i hate her. and i really fucking hate mark. why does this shit happen to me? why do these ppl find me? why is it they think they can hurt me? i feel so weak so detached so fucking alone and disappointed and just altogether a mess. steph was supposed to be my best friend and here she is fucking around with 20-25 guys whom she doesnt give a fuck about and yea. idk she totally back stabbed me and just ugh i hate her i wish i never befriended her. for the past 3-4 years that we have been friend i have always been there for her and now fucking she does this to me i dont fucking think so! goddamnit i cant stop cussing and my mind is running around like a fucking chicken with its fucking head cut off. i have no idea where im going,what im saying. whats happening or anything.
what should i do? what can i do? why must i feel this way? why cant i just walk away from the wreck of the day and just be ok? ugh i so sick of everything i hate life. i hate myself and i hate the way things end up. ppl say lifes gonna get better that i'll be ok but i cant believe them, maybe i just dont wanna. ugh idk.first stephani gets mad at me for wanting troy so she tells him and ryan shit about me and then all the while ryan is still acting weird around me and like idk. then today i find out that steph and ryan have been dating this whole time. i knew something was going on but goddamnit she was supposed to be my bestfriend and so she gets mad at me for wanting troy and yet here she is fucking around iwth my ex i dont think so!!!! ugh i hate her and i hate ryan. i fucking went off on ryan and her omgz it was crazy. im so sick of their shit and i dont need this anymore. i dont need them. i dont need anything but jsut to cry and let it all out..........
i feel so betrayed. so let down. so broken. so confused. so horribly torn and just depressed.
i just lost my best friend and a close friend of mine all bc they are just so stupid and have to hurt me........ugh im going i cant take this im gonna go to bed i need to just sleep it off.................
god if u can hear me please just do something to take away the pain please
I feel:  | here i am again. im beautifully broken
|
0 ♥♥♥
|
| u make me wanna puke |
[Saturday
October 15th, 2005
1:25am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 amused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
rock show=blink 182 |
] |
well wednesday morning i fell asleep and then that afternoon i woke up and i felt anewed and like it was going to be a new day. anyways i went to school and i didnt let anything get to me. my stomache was killing me and just yea so anyways after school tammy and i sat outside my house and talked and then we went for a walk and idk my mom was really pissed off at me bc rosie ran loose and i didnt give her a bath but whatever i hadnt seen tammy in forever and i wanted to talk to her gees. anyways so then i me and tammy went to walmart and my mom didnt like that but i went anyways......so yea we went there and we chatted it up with de in the parking lot and we were having a blast and then we left and tammy dropped me off at home. i got home and me and my mom got in this horrible argument. i told her i hated her and that all i wanted was just to runaway and never come back but no i couldnt do that bc of josh and i loved him more than anything.........so anyways i went into my room,tears pouring down my face and i was riproaring mad......all i wanted was just to get out but i couldnt so i was like jsut calm down... so i got online for a bit and then i found some pills..........i overdosed major on topamax,zoloft,ibuefrofen, and something else and all of them combined totally fucked me up........everything was horrible i got so sick and idk i wasnt trying to kill myself. i wasnt and now that everythings happend i just wanna go back in time and just not take those pills.anyways so thursday i didnt go to school bc i was so sick omgz it was horrible and then thursday night i thought i was gonna die so i got in my room and i cried out to God to just save me. to just let me go to sleep and wake up and be ok and to take away my pain.......well i woke up this afternoon and i was fine. God saved me again......i should go to the drs and get checked out but i figure if anything is wrong wtih me god will save me. bc he loves me.
anyways today i went and got josh and we had fun in the car ride home lol i love it when he sings with me haha we were singing "boyfriend" by ashlee haha i love it....i told myself and god that i was gonna live from now im not gonna let things get to me and im not gonna try and kill myself anymore life is worth a chance we just need to take it.....anyways i talked to mat and i told him i loved him and that everything was gonna be ok and yea idk i felt happy and yea so me and josh got home and we played outside well he did i just sat on the hammock and enjoyed nature. and yea idk the simplest things are making me happy today! hehe. idk i have a really bad headache and my stomache really really hurts but its not gonna bring me down bc God loves me and thats good enuff and idk.james my ex got online today and i was happy to hear from him but all he wanted was a fucking blow job ugh i hate him. gees what is his problem? i know he hasnt gotten blown in a long time but thats not my fault anyways yea hes a jerk and i told him that i was with mark and hes like oh fuck it then bye.... ugh pissed me off like woah but whatever im over it hehe. i love mark!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ok im off thats it i need to lay down this headache is overwhelming
|
0 ♥♥♥
|
| im the girl with the tattered style |
[Wednesday
October 12th, 2005
3:25am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
hold on=good charolette |
] |
ok its me again. idk why im posting i just have a lot to say. i always have a lot to say. i mean i never have anything to say and when i dont say anything u should know damn well i have something to say lol. ugh god i need help. do dreams come true? or are they just there to help us get through? idk all my life all ive ever wanted was to be a singer like celine dion or selena or britney spears or something ya know. i always dreamt of being a star. a star some1 looked up to.i know im not perfect and i HATE it when ppl look up to me and then i mess up and i just feel like oh oops? ya know idk but still. ever since i was lil and i could sing thats all ive ever wanted was just to sing. it didnt matter where, or what i was singing or anything and then i grew up and everything just got complicated. things got in my way. and my dreams were torn at the seams. i knew i had what it took to make my dreams come true. but god there so many things now adays that a singer/star has to be. u have to be skinny. have flawless skin basically ur appearance is everything and well im not into looks. i never wear that much make up i do every now and then just bc i want to but i am pretty in my own way and i know this. but every1 makes a big deal about ur weight. ur look.ur style everything. if u gain weight the press is all over it. if u lose weight ur considered anorexic or bullemic or whatever. no1 these days care about whats inside a persons heart or how much talent a person has. they just care abot whats on the outside. maybe its a good thing im not skinny, maybe its a good thing im not a singer. bc then id be caught up in their world and i hate their world i really do. id always be defined as what i am instead of who i am. and thats horrible. i mean i cant even take it when ppl judge me bc im young or when kids at school make fun of me bc im fat or i have a skin disorder. it doesnt bother me now bc im over it and they are gonna get theirs when its their time but idk. anyways i just feel like i have let myself down. but have i? i mean really? maybe im working for something else instead of what i thought i wanted. i mean all my life i always thought i wanted to be a singer no wait i knew i wanted to be a singer i still do. but now that i have been through everything idk i think id be better off if i were a councellor or a psychiatrist or something. bc then i could help ppl. wow its almost 3:40 and i still havent done anything. i wonder how many days how many hours i waste in front of this computer? or how many hours or days i waste not doing anything at all??? hmm i dont think i wanna know that number lol. ugh damnit i lost my nose ring damnit i hate when that happens ugh ugh ugh ok whatever im gonna go put on a new one
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0 ♥♥♥
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| so much can happen in just a blink of an eye |
[Wednesday
October 12th, 2005
1:45am] |
wow its been forever since i have written in this thing. idk life is just so fucked up. its crazy to think that just 3 mos ago i never would have known anything that i would have gone through now. just 3 mos ago i had my 2 best friends and mark was still out of my life and i was doing fine. i know i wasnt happy then. im not happy now. i wonder if ive ever been happy. god why cant i ever be happy? anyways im getting off subject. well just 3mos ago i never would have thought ok well i was afraid that i would lose tammy and sabrina and well my worst fears came alive. god i miss them so much its so sad. we were all so close and so happy together we had fun and idk. i guess in the end our friendship was worth everything bc u know i learned to have fun and i learned to lose some1 and be ok. god this year and last year have been all about losing things. its so fucked up. anyways tammy went away to california and then when she came back she was busy moving and then school started, we had plenty of oppurtunities to hang together but sabrina and tammy never wanted to hang out with me so i had to fend for myself and dont get me wrong im glad i did bc i made 4 great wonderful friends. megan shes really cool and funny and really quiet and ronnie hes annoying but whatever hes cool,sheila who is 8mos pregnant now and jsut dropped out of night school which really sux but yea shes really cool and really funny and my fave of all is kevin hehe hes gay omgz i love him hes so much fun.
but yea anyways me and mark got back together on july 28th and we have broken up several times since then and well they werent actual break ups but to me they were so whatever. anyways i love mark so much and im glad we are together again. sometimes i wonder like last year when we were together i was the happiest i had ever been in a long time and then he died and just killed me and i was the saddest and most depressed i had ever been in my entire life i went through hell and back and then all of a sudden like 9mos later this guy is back in my life asking for me back telling me he loves me and hes sry for ever hurting me and he never meant to hurt me bc im so wonderful to him. and omgz everything he said to me was just like everything i needed to hear. i tried my hardest for a year to get over him and i promised myself i would never let him back in my life unless iknew he was sorry and that this time i was ready for another heartache and viola here we are. well the 28th of this month will be our 3month anniversarry and im excited but scared. i dont wanna lose him. i love him so much and i lost him once and i dont think i could lose him again. i mean when we broke up those times i knew they werent for real. idk i jsut love him and i need him. lol we are already making plans to get married and everything and ugh i need to kiss him i need to feel his body next to mine i need to hear him say i love you in my ear i need just him. maybe thats whats bothering me. maybe im so anxious to be with him its getting me depressed lol.
idk what the fuck is the matter with me but lately i have been so fucking depressed and my stomache is killing me and i thought it was maybe bc i was starting my period but i had my period and then its gone but now i still have the pain and im still depressed and bitchy. idk whats going on. in theback of my mind i keep hearing my voices saying u might be pregnant go get checked out! but if i am i will die. bc what if i am? what will mark think? what will he say? what will he do? omgz god all these thoughts are just running through my mind and everything is just getting me down. ihave no idea whats going on. for the past couple of days me and my mom have been arguing and i fucking hate her. somedays we get along somedays we dont and i hate the days we dont bc she makes my life a living hell. god i jsut wanna runaway and never come back to this house. i wanna take my dog,my brother, my friends, my stuff and just move just get away from here. everything that should be changing isnt and everything that is changing shouldnt be. and its all pissing me off.somedays i wake up and i look around and i think maybe today will be different maybe i'll wake up and the house will be clean and my mom will be a good,attentive,house wife or something. idk i love my mom dont get me wrong its just i cant do my job until she does hers. and then she gets mad at me for not doing anything and its like ugh u have to do ur job first then i cando mine gees fucking bitch!!!! ugh she pisses me off like woah.
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0 ♥♥♥
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| i wish i could just get away from all the pain and just be happy |
[Thursday
July 21st, 2005
6:54am] |
i am at my aunts house and things are goin good here, my family has gone to texas which i am so happy i am not there bc its so fucking hot and yea i hate hot weather i keep praying that everything will be ok for them and that they will come home safely and that every1 will be ok with this heat we are having. ugh anyways me and tammy well um yea im so annoyed with her for some reason and its driving me nuts actually she is but i have no idea why she is or why im like this i think its bc im gonna start my period soon but idk lol i snapped at her today bc she was late for opening the store then all day she has had like this attitude toward me idk wat it is but i feel so distant from her. all this brian and work stuff is gettin to me. i feel like im my mom and that im gonna screw up like she does, i dont wanna be her. i dont wanna work all the time for nothing, i dont wanna marry 2 losers, and i dont wanna have affairs,and i dont want to neglect my kids and overwork i dont want any of that. i feel so horrible about the way things are goin.........sometimes i want to cry. sometimes i want to scream sometimes i just want to die. it pains me to even think of me thinkin this way. and then i think to myself none of that would solve anything it would just make more problems so wat am i to do? should i just put up with it and paste a fake smile on my face? idk tammy is just pissing me off and i idk anymore. im so tired of feeling this way shes my fucking best friend how can i do this to her to me??? why? i have no idea why things are going this way or why i am feeling any of these things? am i jealous? am i just so scared of things that i make them worse? i think i am the one that fucks up my own life. yes i think thats really it. i make my life worse im the one that fucks it up no1 else does but then wat started this whole thing? was it when i was child and everything got messed up then or was it now? was it something i did? was it something i said? i have no idea where im goin i just know where i have been and i know i dont wanna go back again so plz some1 tell me wat is goin on. maybe i need to talk to some1 mayb i need to relax and think of things in a different point of view ugh i have no idea ok im out
I feel:  | depressed
and
I feel:  | confused
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0 ♥♥♥
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| ur lil piece of heaven turns too dark |
[Tuesday
July 12th, 2005
12:55pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
hymn to the sea-titanic |
] |
so last night i stayed up till about 3:30ish maybe longer idk but no1 was on so i was just so bored i actually managed to watch diary of a mad black woman with josh great movie! then i got back online and just messed around, tammy and mat hadnt called me so i was like fuck it im calling mat and well me being the idiot i am called him and he was just about to go to sleep and ya we talked a bit and hes in chicago and i really wish i could be there bc i wanna meet him i wanna be with him but yea i cant bc idk anyways so im totally not feeling good all last night i couldnt sleep i was freezing but then i was burning up and yea i woke up about 20 min. ago and my head is like heavy and im dead tired, i feel like throwing up and im shivering even tho im a bit hot. grr i hate this. i hate getting sick. its a good thing i didnt walk in the rain last night but yea im just gonna chill at home today screw everything else. bc everything else makes me mad.
i should get my car back today. the dude looked at it and the power in it was gonna go out so he ordered a part and if i didnt get the part soon i wouldnt be able to drive my car at all bc yea so my dad should be paying for it but idk im not talkin to him bc i dont want a lecture i dont want anything right now. ok im goin i feel like shit and tammy finally called me but i missed it so now shes talkin to brian but yea ok byes
I feel:  | sick
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0 ♥♥♥
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| reality overcomes me, im living a lie |
[Thursday
June 30th, 2005
6:23am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
i run away-britney spears |
] |
so i got up this morning at 9:30 am and i was so excited i kept rushing my dad and checkin the time,well we didnt leave to get the car till bout noonish. we left and danny came with us so we got there and talked to the dealer signed some papers and then i got my car. at first the seatbelt wasnt working bc of the tape then the cd player wouldnt turn on bc it wasnt in right and then so i finally got on the road and i followed my dad to the restaurant.
we ate and then i left with my family, i drove around shaumburg and the car was great and i was fine then on the way home my mom drove on the highway it was fine. we stopped and got gas and stuff and the radio wouldnt work again and my mom touched the windshield wipers and they got stuck so we got off somewhere and restarted the car and everything was fine. we drive home stopped 3 times and the 3rd time in springfield i got to drive home. it was fine it was dark but i was totally fine. my mom kept yellin at me to slow down go faster she so could not make up her mind and that was just pissin me off so watever, the wind kept blowing and the car was like fighting it and idk we got to dennys they were closed for something and so we went to steak n' shake.
we ate and we argued bc my mom fucking wants me to work at her fuckin store I DONT THINK SO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so yea i lost but watever im not workin there no fucking way i cant fuckin drive with my mom let alone work wtih her let alone fuckin live with her UGHHHHH!!!! ok so watever we ate and then my mom paid and i went out to the car. started it up and it was fine drove around the place twice waiting on my mom she was takin forever so i parked. i parked then my mom came out and got josh in and everything i put the car in reverse and tried backin up but the fucker wouldnt it kept goin forward so i kept tryin then my mom was like get out so she did it and then it still wouldnt go so these cute guys and a mom helped us by pushing it out and the fucker finally worked and yea we drove home my mom was hysterically crying and bitching at me again. she was like ur not driving this car its fuckin messed up yada yada ahh bitch would u fuckin shut the fuck up oh my fucking god i hate her. so we got home and i was jsut so happy to see rosie i didnt even tlak to my mom and now im hiding in my room like always.......i got online and fucking brian started bitching me out bc i told tammy that he ws all about pussy and partying and watever so yea then i got an acceptance letter to a poet convention and well i thought of mark again bc last summer thats how we met bc i needed money but i never went but watever. so yea i cant go to this bc im fuckin broke.so i started crying bc i have so many dreams but i just cant go thru with them bc of my family or money or something idk, i feel like such a failure. aoh and i cut myself but jsut a small scratch but watever im tired of shit goddamnitmotherfuckingbitchassshitwholefuckassmotherbastardsonofabitchfuckingwhore
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel: | depressed
and
I feel:  | pissed off
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0 ♥♥♥
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| i dont wanna be u |
[Tuesday
June 21st, 2005
12:12am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
goin under-evanescence |
] |
so my dad never showed up till about a lil after 9 watever i dont give a damn so he came home and he was fucking drunk so i was like watthefuckever so he sat down and i finished watching "Emma" and then he fell asleep in the chair so i was like dad wake up so he was like mumbling bout something so watever we ordered pizza and idk he was just drunk and pissing me off so he gave me money and then he went upstairs and fucking passed out. i watched sex and the city and cheered up a bit then the pizza guy came and i got the pizza and then took some out and went upstairs and gave some to my dad he wouldnt wake up bc he was still passed out so watever.
i came back downstairs ate my pizza and finished satc. then everything today just got me so mad i had to do somethin so i went up to my dads room stole a cigarrete and went outside and smoked. the fresh air felt good but the old tension and stress and sorrow built inside of me didnt. i finished the cig and burnt up the rest of the matches and threw them into the grass. came inside and got me some pepsi and jd. im turning into them. im like my mom smoking and running away, and my dad drinking to take away the fucking pain well i dont give a damn anymore im so thru with everything
im leaving as soon as i get my fucking car and i wont get to see my brothers and sister its fine watever im thru with staying home being the good daughter havign to clean cook and be bored while my dad gets to do watever the fuck he pleases and gets to come home fucking drunk 0o0o well fuck him i wont clean his house anymore or even do anything that i should i wont even get out of the fucking bed yep.
im thru with my dad im thru with my mom im thru with not being happy im so thru its not even funny. i just need to get out of my skin and be some1 else or something
I feel: | depressed
and
I feel: | pissed off
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0 ♥♥♥
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| im sorry i cant be perfect |
[Monday
June 20th, 2005
11:50pm] |
hey dad look at me think back and talk to me did i grow up according to plan and do u think im wasting my time doing things i wanna do but it hurts when u disapprove all along and now i try hard to make i just wanna make u proud im never gonna be good enuff for u cant pretend that im all right and u cant change me
cuz we lost it all nothing last forever im sry i cant be perfect now its just to late and we cant go back im sry i cant be perfect
i try not to think about the pain i feel inside did u know u used to be my hero all the days u used to spend with me now seem so far from away and it feels like u dont care anymore and now i try hard to make i jsut wanna make u proud im never gonna be good enuff for u i cant stand another fight and nothings alright
cuz we lost it all nothing last forever im sry i cant be perfect now its just to late and we cant go back im sry i cant be perfect
nothings gonna change the things that u said and nothings gonna make this right again please dotn turn ur back i cant believe its just so hard to talk to u but u dont understand
cuz we lost it all nothing last forever im sry i cant be perfect now its just to late and we cant go back im sry i cant be perfect. cuz we lost it all nothing last forever im sry i cant be perfect now its just to late and we cant go back im sry i cant be perfect
*screams the song shes so used to singing* tears beg to fall down*
I feel: | depressed
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0 ♥♥♥
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| all my life i prayed for some1 like u and nothing is wat it seems |
[Monday
June 20th, 2005
7:37pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
heartbreaker-mariah carey |
] |
im at my dads and things just arent working out idk y im here everytime i come here its always the same. the first couple of days are great me and my dad are ok and then he jsut goes off to work and i dont see him till late that night.ive been here for maybe 3weeks and i have done nothing at all. at my moms house at least we would do stuff but here its like the only life i have is in the life of the characters of a movie or in a tv show. i feel dead and cursed and i just wanna runaway from me even if its just for a lil while. my head keeps screaming to go home bc once my brothers and sister gets here my dad will be so involved with them he'll forget im even here. when im here hes so involved with his work but when they get here he will be involved with them and i i will just be wasting away and bored and lifeless as i am now. i need to go home i miss my brother and my dog and my friends way to much for this. ugh i wanted to get away from home so bad and now i wanna get away from here goddamnit everything is just so fucked up. and i wanna scream and throw something and just dive into my pool and just not exist. the sun is setting now and i have done nothing. this summer has been wasted on days like this. i hate wasting days we only live once and yet this his how im living AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
my dad was supposed to come home 2 hrs ago well thats wat he told me and yet hes still not here i called my mom and i got to tlak to my brother a bit and well i miss him and my dog hellas and i know i should stay here bc yea idk but im tired of being home alone. im tired of waking up and no that all im gonna do is just sit and watch tv and be bored so fucking bored out of my mind. i actually wrote a song to make me feel better its ok i guess idk i still just wanna scream and idk damnit!!!!!!!!!!
I feel:  | bored
I feel:  | bitchy
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0 ♥♥♥
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